HOW FRIENDS CAN HELP A GRIEVING PERSON: GIVE VALUE TO HIS OR HER HAVING LIVED AMONG US

Letters of Condolence

As an experienced journalist, I can't help but observe, often unconsciously, what is happening around me. The inevitable next step; I make notes about what I'm observing. The notes, jotted down over the next three years, make up the bulk of my new book.

While in the deep pain and shock following the death of my husband, I couldn't help but observe myself, this miserable little person, getting through one day and then the next; I likened it to having an abcessed tooth without adequate pain-killer or dentist to pull it out--and no dentist or help on the way, ever.

But I had friends who wanted to help and who were hurting for me. All tried to help; but some caused me greater pain, and some brought relief and a smile. I began to sort these out. The people who really helped were those who gave validity to my husband having lived among us or which made me feel stronger than I was.

Helping me were the letters of condolence which remembered him: his warm smile, or his knowledge, or his wit, or his courage and sense of honour, his honesty, his aristocratic bearing. Hurting me were letters saying how happy we had been together (and we never will again;) how happy he is in Heaven (but I'm not happy down here;)the words "I know how you must feel." (NO you don't know how I feel and you may not intrude on my grief which is different from everyone else's.)

One letter said that it must seem "impossibly hard but, Pat, you have the strength to get through it. You are a strong woman." And you know what? I began to feel that I was indeed a strong woman and could eventually manage this.

Some offered help saying something like "I know words are inadequate." Yes indeed, those are.

In my book I have a section on how to write letters of condolence, giving samples of those that help, and those that hurt.

In a next blog I'd like to spell out what it is that you CAN do to help the grieving person. It's so easy to make a real difference which will remain in the memory forever.