AMAZING MOVIES: "SEVEN POUNDS," AND, "THE READER"

I've just seen two amazing and unusual movies on DVD, both of which end in an unexpected way. I can't tell you how, because that would spoil the viewing for you. The acting in both is superb. In "Seven Pounds" Will Smith, never before one of my heroes, conveys most complex, contradictory emotions, and he leaves us crying, but for the right reasons. I didn't know he had such depth and discipline. Ralph Fiennes (how is that pronounced?) in his "The Reader" leaves us profoundly moved; and the story evokes questions I'll bet you never considered. Co-star Kate Winslet's performance is astonishing. and worthy of the Oscar she received.

My latest book Survivor's Guide to Grief is moving along. It is helping several people I know who are trying to live through sudden death in their families. I wish I could reach all the families of the victims; you are victims too. How will the family of Natasha Richardson survive the total shock--one minute the lovely young woman is alive and vibrant and skiing, the next minute, with no warning, she has gone into the silence of death and can't be reached. Her young children, her husband, need help in trying to understand and deal with what has happened to their lives, now forever damaged. I have a friend whose wife was playing polo and suddenly the horse stumbled, she was thrown off, and the horse fell on top of her, killing her instantly. Her husband and children have asked me to send my book to them.

I am trying to learn how to create hyperlinks so that people looking for help will find me and this particular book. It has proven to be valuable.

It is different from most other books on the subject, including the recent elite success by Joan Didion, because mine is a narrative AND How To; it is not introspective but outward reaching; it is like a friend sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee and talking over what on earth to do next. It isn't being reviewed by the "great" reviewers and media because it is self-published. However, it has had really remarkably good reviews in smaller outlets and in my next blog, I'll excerpt from them.

See you then!

HOW FRIENDS CAN HELP A GRIEVING PERSON: GIVE VALUE TO HIS OR HER HAVING LIVED AMONG US

Letters of Condolence

As an experienced journalist, I can't help but observe, often unconsciously, what is happening around me. The inevitable next step; I make notes about what I'm observing. The notes, jotted down over the next three years, make up the bulk of my new book.

While in the deep pain and shock following the death of my husband, I couldn't help but observe myself, this miserable little person, getting through one day and then the next; I likened it to having an abcessed tooth without adequate pain-killer or dentist to pull it out--and no dentist or help on the way, ever.

But I had friends who wanted to help and who were hurting for me. All tried to help; but some caused me greater pain, and some brought relief and a smile. I began to sort these out. The people who really helped were those who gave validity to my husband having lived among us or which made me feel stronger than I was.

Helping me were the letters of condolence which remembered him: his warm smile, or his knowledge, or his wit, or his courage and sense of honour, his honesty, his aristocratic bearing. Hurting me were letters saying how happy we had been together (and we never will again;) how happy he is in Heaven (but I'm not happy down here;)the words "I know how you must feel." (NO you don't know how I feel and you may not intrude on my grief which is different from everyone else's.)

One letter said that it must seem "impossibly hard but, Pat, you have the strength to get through it. You are a strong woman." And you know what? I began to feel that I was indeed a strong woman and could eventually manage this.

Some offered help saying something like "I know words are inadequate." Yes indeed, those are.

In my book I have a section on how to write letters of condolence, giving samples of those that help, and those that hurt.

In a next blog I'd like to spell out what it is that you CAN do to help the grieving person. It's so easy to make a real difference which will remain in the memory forever.