Several people have bought my book "Survivor's Guide to Grief" first because they were attracted to the cover, then to the meaning behind the starfish: "Be like a starfish and grow new legs" when you have lost your life partner.
Cathi Stevenson, who designed this cover, found an arrangement and colors which immediately draw people to the book regardless of any existing interest in surviving grief. She has been courteous, intelligent, flexible, and all those good words in addition to having an amazing talent. For any authors who read this blog, I strongly recommend that you look up Cathi at www.bookcoverexpress.com.
In my last blog I set forth the kinds of Letters of Condolence which help, and those which hurt. The same conditions apply to Acts of Friendship.
There is no time in your life when friends are more necessary than when you are paralyzed by grief. Let me get through Hallowe'en and then I'll present thoughts which will I hope help you be a true friend. Booooooo!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
HOW FRIENDS CAN HELP A GRIEVING PERSON: GIVE VALUE TO HIS OR HER HAVING LIVED AMONG US
Letters of Condolence
As an experienced journalist, I can't help but observe, often unconsciously, what is happening around me. The inevitable next step; I make notes about what I'm observing. The notes, jotted down over the next three years, make up the bulk of my new book.
While in the deep pain and shock following the death of my husband, I couldn't help but observe myself, this miserable little person, getting through one day and then the next; I likened it to having an abcessed tooth without adequate pain-killer or dentist to pull it out--and no dentist or help on the way, ever.
But I had friends who wanted to help and who were hurting for me. All tried to help; but some caused me greater pain, and some brought relief and a smile. I began to sort these out. The people who really helped were those who gave validity to my husband having lived among us or which made me feel stronger than I was.
Helping me were the letters of condolence which remembered him: his warm smile, or his knowledge, or his wit, or his courage and sense of honour, his honesty, his aristocratic bearing. Hurting me were letters saying how happy we had been together (and we never will again;) how happy he is in Heaven (but I'm not happy down here;)the words "I know how you must feel." (NO you don't know how I feel and you may not intrude on my grief which is different from everyone else's.)
One letter said that it must seem "impossibly hard but, Pat, you have the strength to get through it. You are a strong woman." And you know what? I began to feel that I was indeed a strong woman and could eventually manage this.
Some offered help saying something like "I know words are inadequate." Yes indeed, those are.
In my book I have a section on how to write letters of condolence, giving samples of those that help, and those that hurt.
In a next blog I'd like to spell out what it is that you CAN do to help the grieving person. It's so easy to make a real difference which will remain in the memory forever.
As an experienced journalist, I can't help but observe, often unconsciously, what is happening around me. The inevitable next step; I make notes about what I'm observing. The notes, jotted down over the next three years, make up the bulk of my new book.
While in the deep pain and shock following the death of my husband, I couldn't help but observe myself, this miserable little person, getting through one day and then the next; I likened it to having an abcessed tooth without adequate pain-killer or dentist to pull it out--and no dentist or help on the way, ever.
But I had friends who wanted to help and who were hurting for me. All tried to help; but some caused me greater pain, and some brought relief and a smile. I began to sort these out. The people who really helped were those who gave validity to my husband having lived among us or which made me feel stronger than I was.
Helping me were the letters of condolence which remembered him: his warm smile, or his knowledge, or his wit, or his courage and sense of honour, his honesty, his aristocratic bearing. Hurting me were letters saying how happy we had been together (and we never will again;) how happy he is in Heaven (but I'm not happy down here;)the words "I know how you must feel." (NO you don't know how I feel and you may not intrude on my grief which is different from everyone else's.)
One letter said that it must seem "impossibly hard but, Pat, you have the strength to get through it. You are a strong woman." And you know what? I began to feel that I was indeed a strong woman and could eventually manage this.
Some offered help saying something like "I know words are inadequate." Yes indeed, those are.
In my book I have a section on how to write letters of condolence, giving samples of those that help, and those that hurt.
In a next blog I'd like to spell out what it is that you CAN do to help the grieving person. It's so easy to make a real difference which will remain in the memory forever.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Upcoming Events related to my book SURVIVOR'S GUIDE TO GRIEF
There are bright lights to alleviate all the financial gloom around us these days. I am so pleased that my second book is beginning to get some exposure. Here's what's coming up:
October 21, Tuesday: I'll be interviewed on the internet for a show called Calling All Authors at 4 pm CDT. The host is publisher Valerie Connelly.
November 2, Sunday: Will have a booth at the Texas Book Festival in Austin under the banner of the Writers League of Texas, from 1-3 pm. Hope to see you there!
November 15, Saturday: The AIM Hospice in Rockport, Texas is hosting an event to "meet the author" and hear a short reading from the book. The most generally useful chapter will be on ways in which friends can help the grief-stricken person, including, how to write a really welcome letter of condolence. I am donating half the proceeds of book sales to the general fund of the Hospice. For information call 361-729-0507.
November 22, Saturday: The Katy, Texas, Bookworm Shop will host a book signing there from 2-4 pm. As I have family in Katy, I know that at least a few people will be there. And I know that the Bookworm Shop is so charming a place that many other Texans will take the trouble to come, too! I will read from the same chapter on how friends can help. Their number: 281-693-7323.
General: The Books Ink bookstore in Portland, Texas, has joined the group of Coastal Bend stores which carry the book. It was referred to me by Cody of Wildewood Books of Aransas Pass, which is closing for personal, not financial, reasons. The owners want to undertake some other activities. I look forward to getting to know Jennifer Hay of Books Ink. What a nice name. 361-643-3222.
So November will be a very busy month--not to mention the election, Thanksgiving, the Rockport Film Festival November 6-10, and visits to and from children.
October 21, Tuesday: I'll be interviewed on the internet for a show called Calling All Authors at 4 pm CDT. The host is publisher Valerie Connelly.
November 2, Sunday: Will have a booth at the Texas Book Festival in Austin under the banner of the Writers League of Texas, from 1-3 pm. Hope to see you there!
November 15, Saturday: The AIM Hospice in Rockport, Texas is hosting an event to "meet the author" and hear a short reading from the book. The most generally useful chapter will be on ways in which friends can help the grief-stricken person, including, how to write a really welcome letter of condolence. I am donating half the proceeds of book sales to the general fund of the Hospice. For information call 361-729-0507.
November 22, Saturday: The Katy, Texas, Bookworm Shop will host a book signing there from 2-4 pm. As I have family in Katy, I know that at least a few people will be there. And I know that the Bookworm Shop is so charming a place that many other Texans will take the trouble to come, too! I will read from the same chapter on how friends can help. Their number: 281-693-7323.
General: The Books Ink bookstore in Portland, Texas, has joined the group of Coastal Bend stores which carry the book. It was referred to me by Cody of Wildewood Books of Aransas Pass, which is closing for personal, not financial, reasons. The owners want to undertake some other activities. I look forward to getting to know Jennifer Hay of Books Ink. What a nice name. 361-643-3222.
So November will be a very busy month--not to mention the election, Thanksgiving, the Rockport Film Festival November 6-10, and visits to and from children.
Monday, September 29, 2008
The Occasional Squawk
Thank you, Lila, for the comment, my very first CHIRP OFF THE OLD BLOG!
And thus, this SQUAWK. Goodness that's hard to spell.
The humming birds have survived the Sturm und Drang so close to us of Hurricane Ike's passage to the north. One wonders where the tiny birds go in violent wind and rain. The surge from Ike flooded streams and rivers in this area, raising the water here up over a foot; until yesterday it still covered the docks and fish stations to the extent that ducks were splashing and washing on the usually dry cement dock. Today all is back to normal here. In the bay, however, several people have lost their fishing piers.
The humming bird feeders are in constant attendance by the wee birds. Hummers are surprisingly territorial and fight tenaciously for their sipping rights. Some, the relatively docile, can sit three at a time at a feeder; others drive away the competition with ferocious charges and wild flutterings of wings and yipping squeaks, then a circling around to see that the coast is clear, and when that has been absolutely determined, settle down again for their tiny sips.
The birds fly wildly and very quickly around my deck, zooming back and forth, up and down, sometimes in what looks like play, at other times like getting rid of rivals, and then again like checking out the opportunities. I guess, if one is two inches long in a world of much larger birds (including the three-foot high herons with terrifying shrieks and ominous huge wing span,) one has to be feisty, fast, and on one's guard. One of these little birds would make a tasty treat on a piece of toast. (Indeed in Shanghai, China, there is a tiny bird called the "rice bird" which is served roasted and whole on a piece of toast.)
This morning, Monday, there are 10 ducks clucking and sort-of chuckling contentedly on the dock; some have taken shelter from the misty rain under the fish cleaning station. The large birds have been coming by too, but not right now or the ducks would have fled.
The other interesting activity is taking place in the canal. Families of what I call baseballs, but which are actually called "cabbage heads" and are a kind of jelly fish, are floating gently down toward the bay. We have leaping mullets year-round, but in the fall there are Olympic-worthy exhibitions of triple leaps each 8' long, like champion skipping stone tosses.
Readers of this SQUAWK will also be glad to know that the papayas from my two trees are golden and delicious; so are the bananas. Plumeria is still blooming, the ginger too has just borne a cascade of pink bell-like blossoms; the new golden esperanza hedge is displaying its lovely flowers in the breeze. I've just planted another exotic tree: the "ilang-ilang," which is the fragrance I associate with Chuuk in Micronesia. Its blossoms are actually pale green long skinny leaves; and these are used to make "mar-mars," garlands for the hair. The tree is only two feet high; I do hope it will survive. I'm excited about having that fragrance join the plumeria and ginger fragrances in the garden. My tropical paradise!
Thank you, Lila, for the comment, my very first CHIRP OFF THE OLD BLOG!
And thus, this SQUAWK. Goodness that's hard to spell.
The humming birds have survived the Sturm und Drang so close to us of Hurricane Ike's passage to the north. One wonders where the tiny birds go in violent wind and rain. The surge from Ike flooded streams and rivers in this area, raising the water here up over a foot; until yesterday it still covered the docks and fish stations to the extent that ducks were splashing and washing on the usually dry cement dock. Today all is back to normal here. In the bay, however, several people have lost their fishing piers.
The humming bird feeders are in constant attendance by the wee birds. Hummers are surprisingly territorial and fight tenaciously for their sipping rights. Some, the relatively docile, can sit three at a time at a feeder; others drive away the competition with ferocious charges and wild flutterings of wings and yipping squeaks, then a circling around to see that the coast is clear, and when that has been absolutely determined, settle down again for their tiny sips.
The birds fly wildly and very quickly around my deck, zooming back and forth, up and down, sometimes in what looks like play, at other times like getting rid of rivals, and then again like checking out the opportunities. I guess, if one is two inches long in a world of much larger birds (including the three-foot high herons with terrifying shrieks and ominous huge wing span,) one has to be feisty, fast, and on one's guard. One of these little birds would make a tasty treat on a piece of toast. (Indeed in Shanghai, China, there is a tiny bird called the "rice bird" which is served roasted and whole on a piece of toast.)
This morning, Monday, there are 10 ducks clucking and sort-of chuckling contentedly on the dock; some have taken shelter from the misty rain under the fish cleaning station. The large birds have been coming by too, but not right now or the ducks would have fled.
The other interesting activity is taking place in the canal. Families of what I call baseballs, but which are actually called "cabbage heads" and are a kind of jelly fish, are floating gently down toward the bay. We have leaping mullets year-round, but in the fall there are Olympic-worthy exhibitions of triple leaps each 8' long, like champion skipping stone tosses.
Readers of this SQUAWK will also be glad to know that the papayas from my two trees are golden and delicious; so are the bananas. Plumeria is still blooming, the ginger too has just borne a cascade of pink bell-like blossoms; the new golden esperanza hedge is displaying its lovely flowers in the breeze. I've just planted another exotic tree: the "ilang-ilang," which is the fragrance I associate with Chuuk in Micronesia. Its blossoms are actually pale green long skinny leaves; and these are used to make "mar-mars," garlands for the hair. The tree is only two feet high; I do hope it will survive. I'm excited about having that fragrance join the plumeria and ginger fragrances in the garden. My tropical paradise!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
When not to launch a new book: when hurricanes come like a series of stepping stones
Of course, of course, hurricanes make problems for all people in their paths. Still, I don't launch a new book all that frequently, and it does seem hard that Dolly and Gustav and Ike have to be having their adventures just now. Especially Ike, which may wash over my lovely little isle in my lovely little town on the Gulf Coast, leaving us looking like Biloxi after Katrina.
Hurricane or no, in various ways I'm looking for the people who will want to find my book. "Survivor's Guide to Grief" is designed specifically for the person newly in the paralysis, the zombiehood, of new total grief. It will help them because the book was written when I was in just such a state--astonished that such a pain could go on and on and on. It is extremely informal; not one footnote. I hope it sounds like an experienced friend talking over the kitchen table with a new survivor. We need this kind of help.
One of my friends has bought five copies to give to churches in his vicinity; another is giving several directly to friends who have lost people they loved.
I hope someone who happens upon my blog will also respond to this way of helping people in need, including themselves. If so, y'all know how to reach me--I'm still getting set up with some bookstores, but you can order from Amazon or from me directly by posting to this blog or emailing me at: pchapman01@charter.net or www.patricialucechapman.blogspot.com. The book sells for $14.95, with $3.00 postage and handling for a total of $17.95. Texans add a $1.23 tax to that, for a total for Texans of $19.18.
Have to close up and continue preparing for the arrival of Ike!
Hurricane or no, in various ways I'm looking for the people who will want to find my book. "Survivor's Guide to Grief" is designed specifically for the person newly in the paralysis, the zombiehood, of new total grief. It will help them because the book was written when I was in just such a state--astonished that such a pain could go on and on and on. It is extremely informal; not one footnote. I hope it sounds like an experienced friend talking over the kitchen table with a new survivor. We need this kind of help.
One of my friends has bought five copies to give to churches in his vicinity; another is giving several directly to friends who have lost people they loved.
I hope someone who happens upon my blog will also respond to this way of helping people in need, including themselves. If so, y'all know how to reach me--I'm still getting set up with some bookstores, but you can order from Amazon or from me directly by posting to this blog or emailing me at: pchapman01@charter.net or www.patricialucechapman.blogspot.com. The book sells for $14.95, with $3.00 postage and handling for a total of $17.95. Texans add a $1.23 tax to that, for a total for Texans of $19.18.
Have to close up and continue preparing for the arrival of Ike!
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Initial reactions to my new book, "Survivor's Guide to Grief"
I seem to be driven by compulsions of different kinds in selecting what I am going to write. Perhaps most creative people have equally little choice over what they want to create.
With this book, I found the experience of living, of just being, after the sudden unanticipated death of my true blue, my one-and-only, excruciatingly painful. I began to observe myself stumbling through one day after another and realized that it was as though I were watching myself from outside myself getting guillotined. The actual physical pain and the progress of the grief fascinated me; and I began to take notes.
I also found that there was almost nothing to read which was simple and honest enough for me. My brains were in a shambles and my confusion not possible to describe except to someone who has been there. Most books dealt with a years-long anticipated death caused by long-term diseases such as cancer, where the grieving went on and on before the actual death. I wished that I had had the book to read that I was beginning to write, about sudden death such as massive heart attack or car accident or gun shot; and so, the notes slowly became this book.
There are three kinds of people who have read the pre-pub book, and there are three kinds of reactions.
1. Grief professionals. They are unanimous in serious praise for the book.
2. The newly bereaved. They find the book very, very helpful in sorting out their own emotional and mental needs and responses; they like comparing their experriences with mine in the book; they are grateful to me for having written it; it has been a valuable help to them.
3. Those who had been bereaved several years earlier and had grown some tough skin: they can't read the book. Friends read twenty pages, thirty, then quit. It throws them back into the emotional state they'd been in before; and of course, they don't want to become quivering lumps of open, exposed nerves again.
All groups love the Starfish theme: be like a starfish and grow new legs. There IS one funny part of the book: getting back in shape and trying to start dating again.
I am relieved that this book is finally out in the world where it can do some good; and I can turn to other interests in addition to helping the grieving.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Freedom of Religion
Today is Sunday, August 17th. It seems the right day to begin my blog and the right day to introduce a discussion on freedom of religion. In these days of world-wide brutal attacks by people of one faith on people of a different faith, it seems good to reflect on this aspect of the blessings of living in religious freedom.
I believe that very few Americans know about the extremely hard times the first settlers suffered through in their search for a homeland in which people would have the right to express individual religious convictions publicly, nor do we realize that America is the birthplace of freedom to worship without fear of reprisals, imprisonment, beheading, or war. Europe in the 1600's was in a turmoil of Protestant vs. Catholic. Every one of my ancestors escaped from Europe and Great Britain to find freedom in the wilderness across the ocean--Swiss Palatinate, Dutch Reformed Church, French Huguenots, Scottish Reformers, English Puritans.
The Catholic Calvert family was caught in the religious upheavals. When Protestant King James I was in power, they lost homes, ranking positions, and fortunes. When Catholic Charles I followed him, they gained status, elegant homes, and high rank. Lord Baltimore (George, then Cecil Calvert) determined that there should be a place where Catholics could celebrate Mass and Protestants could worship in their simpler manner, living side by side without harm to each other. They were granted lands in what became Maryland. Cecil selected a specific group of settlers to make the journey across the ocean: the sons of Catholic and Protestant families and their families set sail on two ships, the "Ark" and the "Dove," in 1633. The settlers were given a document called "Instructions to the Colonists by Lord Baltimore" which emphasized that Catholics and Protestants were to be treated fairly and allowed to practice their own religion in peace under the new government.
It was the late Ambassador Louise Gore of Maryland who first drew my attention to St.Mary's City, Maryland. The first capital of that future State was founded by the Calvert settlers in 1634. As a Maryland State Senator she had been seeking funding for restoration of historic town which had been left to crumble for 300 years, concealed under fields of crops, after the capital moved to Annapolis. Louise told me about the "Province of Maryland's" 1649 "Toleration Act" which was the first statute by a legislative body of an organized colonial government to grant freedom of religion to all Christians. This Act reinforced the earlier Instructions and is the first instance of a law providing for punishment of intolerant behaviour:
"..no person in this province professing to believe in Jesus Christ shall be in any ways troubled, molested, or discountenanced for his or her religion...so that they be not unfaithful to the lord proprietary or molest or conspire against the civil government established..."
and,
"...whatsoever person or persons shall from henceforth upon any occasion of offence otherwise in a reproachfull manner or way declare call or denominate any person or persons whatsoever inhabiting, residing, traficking, trading or comercing within this province or within any ports, harbours, creeks or havens to the same belonging, an Heretick, Schismatick, Idolator, Puritan, Independent Presbyterian, Antenomian, Barrowist, Roundhead, Seperatist, Popish Priest, Jesuit, Jesuited Papist, Lutheran, Calvenist, Anabaptist, Brownist or any other name or term in a reproachful manner relating to matters of Religion shall for every such offence forfeit and lose the sum of ten shillings Sterling or the value thereof to be levied on the goods and chattels of every such offender and offenders..."
and if they could not pay, they were to be "publicly whipt and imprisoned without bail" until "he, she, or they shall satisfy the party so offended or grieved by such reproachful language..."
At the time, there were very few Jews in Maryland. In 1818, a Thomas Kennedy, member of the House of Delegates, stated that he had never met a Jew but he felt that the 150 or so Jews in Maryland should also be granted freedom of religion. It took Kennedy years of repudiation and scorn and defeat until finally in 1826 his bill to extend to the Jewish people the same rights as enjoyed by Christians became law.
I believe that very few Americans know about the extremely hard times the first settlers suffered through in their search for a homeland in which people would have the right to express individual religious convictions publicly, nor do we realize that America is the birthplace of freedom to worship without fear of reprisals, imprisonment, beheading, or war. Europe in the 1600's was in a turmoil of Protestant vs. Catholic. Every one of my ancestors escaped from Europe and Great Britain to find freedom in the wilderness across the ocean--Swiss Palatinate, Dutch Reformed Church, French Huguenots, Scottish Reformers, English Puritans.
The Catholic Calvert family was caught in the religious upheavals. When Protestant King James I was in power, they lost homes, ranking positions, and fortunes. When Catholic Charles I followed him, they gained status, elegant homes, and high rank. Lord Baltimore (George, then Cecil Calvert) determined that there should be a place where Catholics could celebrate Mass and Protestants could worship in their simpler manner, living side by side without harm to each other. They were granted lands in what became Maryland. Cecil selected a specific group of settlers to make the journey across the ocean: the sons of Catholic and Protestant families and their families set sail on two ships, the "Ark" and the "Dove," in 1633. The settlers were given a document called "Instructions to the Colonists by Lord Baltimore" which emphasized that Catholics and Protestants were to be treated fairly and allowed to practice their own religion in peace under the new government.
It was the late Ambassador Louise Gore of Maryland who first drew my attention to St.Mary's City, Maryland. The first capital of that future State was founded by the Calvert settlers in 1634. As a Maryland State Senator she had been seeking funding for restoration of historic town which had been left to crumble for 300 years, concealed under fields of crops, after the capital moved to Annapolis. Louise told me about the "Province of Maryland's" 1649 "Toleration Act" which was the first statute by a legislative body of an organized colonial government to grant freedom of religion to all Christians. This Act reinforced the earlier Instructions and is the first instance of a law providing for punishment of intolerant behaviour:
"..no person in this province professing to believe in Jesus Christ shall be in any ways troubled, molested, or discountenanced for his or her religion...so that they be not unfaithful to the lord proprietary or molest or conspire against the civil government established..."
and,
"...whatsoever person or persons shall from henceforth upon any occasion of offence otherwise in a reproachfull manner or way declare call or denominate any person or persons whatsoever inhabiting, residing, traficking, trading or comercing within this province or within any ports, harbours, creeks or havens to the same belonging, an Heretick, Schismatick, Idolator, Puritan, Independent Presbyterian, Antenomian, Barrowist, Roundhead, Seperatist, Popish Priest, Jesuit, Jesuited Papist, Lutheran, Calvenist, Anabaptist, Brownist or any other name or term in a reproachful manner relating to matters of Religion shall for every such offence forfeit and lose the sum of ten shillings Sterling or the value thereof to be levied on the goods and chattels of every such offender and offenders..."
and if they could not pay, they were to be "publicly whipt and imprisoned without bail" until "he, she, or they shall satisfy the party so offended or grieved by such reproachful language..."
At the time, there were very few Jews in Maryland. In 1818, a Thomas Kennedy, member of the House of Delegates, stated that he had never met a Jew but he felt that the 150 or so Jews in Maryland should also be granted freedom of religion. It took Kennedy years of repudiation and scorn and defeat until finally in 1826 his bill to extend to the Jewish people the same rights as enjoyed by Christians became law.
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