Several people have bought my book "Survivor's Guide to Grief" first because they were attracted to the cover, then to the meaning behind the starfish: "Be like a starfish and grow new legs" when you have lost your life partner.
Cathi Stevenson, who designed this cover, found an arrangement and colors which immediately draw people to the book regardless of any existing interest in surviving grief. She has been courteous, intelligent, flexible, and all those good words in addition to having an amazing talent. For any authors who read this blog, I strongly recommend that you look up Cathi at www.bookcoverexpress.com.
In my last blog I set forth the kinds of Letters of Condolence which help, and those which hurt. The same conditions apply to Acts of Friendship.
There is no time in your life when friends are more necessary than when you are paralyzed by grief. Let me get through Hallowe'en and then I'll present thoughts which will I hope help you be a true friend. Booooooo!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
HOW FRIENDS CAN HELP A GRIEVING PERSON: GIVE VALUE TO HIS OR HER HAVING LIVED AMONG US
Letters of Condolence
As an experienced journalist, I can't help but observe, often unconsciously, what is happening around me. The inevitable next step; I make notes about what I'm observing. The notes, jotted down over the next three years, make up the bulk of my new book.
While in the deep pain and shock following the death of my husband, I couldn't help but observe myself, this miserable little person, getting through one day and then the next; I likened it to having an abcessed tooth without adequate pain-killer or dentist to pull it out--and no dentist or help on the way, ever.
But I had friends who wanted to help and who were hurting for me. All tried to help; but some caused me greater pain, and some brought relief and a smile. I began to sort these out. The people who really helped were those who gave validity to my husband having lived among us or which made me feel stronger than I was.
Helping me were the letters of condolence which remembered him: his warm smile, or his knowledge, or his wit, or his courage and sense of honour, his honesty, his aristocratic bearing. Hurting me were letters saying how happy we had been together (and we never will again;) how happy he is in Heaven (but I'm not happy down here;)the words "I know how you must feel." (NO you don't know how I feel and you may not intrude on my grief which is different from everyone else's.)
One letter said that it must seem "impossibly hard but, Pat, you have the strength to get through it. You are a strong woman." And you know what? I began to feel that I was indeed a strong woman and could eventually manage this.
Some offered help saying something like "I know words are inadequate." Yes indeed, those are.
In my book I have a section on how to write letters of condolence, giving samples of those that help, and those that hurt.
In a next blog I'd like to spell out what it is that you CAN do to help the grieving person. It's so easy to make a real difference which will remain in the memory forever.
As an experienced journalist, I can't help but observe, often unconsciously, what is happening around me. The inevitable next step; I make notes about what I'm observing. The notes, jotted down over the next three years, make up the bulk of my new book.
While in the deep pain and shock following the death of my husband, I couldn't help but observe myself, this miserable little person, getting through one day and then the next; I likened it to having an abcessed tooth without adequate pain-killer or dentist to pull it out--and no dentist or help on the way, ever.
But I had friends who wanted to help and who were hurting for me. All tried to help; but some caused me greater pain, and some brought relief and a smile. I began to sort these out. The people who really helped were those who gave validity to my husband having lived among us or which made me feel stronger than I was.
Helping me were the letters of condolence which remembered him: his warm smile, or his knowledge, or his wit, or his courage and sense of honour, his honesty, his aristocratic bearing. Hurting me were letters saying how happy we had been together (and we never will again;) how happy he is in Heaven (but I'm not happy down here;)the words "I know how you must feel." (NO you don't know how I feel and you may not intrude on my grief which is different from everyone else's.)
One letter said that it must seem "impossibly hard but, Pat, you have the strength to get through it. You are a strong woman." And you know what? I began to feel that I was indeed a strong woman and could eventually manage this.
Some offered help saying something like "I know words are inadequate." Yes indeed, those are.
In my book I have a section on how to write letters of condolence, giving samples of those that help, and those that hurt.
In a next blog I'd like to spell out what it is that you CAN do to help the grieving person. It's so easy to make a real difference which will remain in the memory forever.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Upcoming Events related to my book SURVIVOR'S GUIDE TO GRIEF
There are bright lights to alleviate all the financial gloom around us these days. I am so pleased that my second book is beginning to get some exposure. Here's what's coming up:
October 21, Tuesday: I'll be interviewed on the internet for a show called Calling All Authors at 4 pm CDT. The host is publisher Valerie Connelly.
November 2, Sunday: Will have a booth at the Texas Book Festival in Austin under the banner of the Writers League of Texas, from 1-3 pm. Hope to see you there!
November 15, Saturday: The AIM Hospice in Rockport, Texas is hosting an event to "meet the author" and hear a short reading from the book. The most generally useful chapter will be on ways in which friends can help the grief-stricken person, including, how to write a really welcome letter of condolence. I am donating half the proceeds of book sales to the general fund of the Hospice. For information call 361-729-0507.
November 22, Saturday: The Katy, Texas, Bookworm Shop will host a book signing there from 2-4 pm. As I have family in Katy, I know that at least a few people will be there. And I know that the Bookworm Shop is so charming a place that many other Texans will take the trouble to come, too! I will read from the same chapter on how friends can help. Their number: 281-693-7323.
General: The Books Ink bookstore in Portland, Texas, has joined the group of Coastal Bend stores which carry the book. It was referred to me by Cody of Wildewood Books of Aransas Pass, which is closing for personal, not financial, reasons. The owners want to undertake some other activities. I look forward to getting to know Jennifer Hay of Books Ink. What a nice name. 361-643-3222.
So November will be a very busy month--not to mention the election, Thanksgiving, the Rockport Film Festival November 6-10, and visits to and from children.
October 21, Tuesday: I'll be interviewed on the internet for a show called Calling All Authors at 4 pm CDT. The host is publisher Valerie Connelly.
November 2, Sunday: Will have a booth at the Texas Book Festival in Austin under the banner of the Writers League of Texas, from 1-3 pm. Hope to see you there!
November 15, Saturday: The AIM Hospice in Rockport, Texas is hosting an event to "meet the author" and hear a short reading from the book. The most generally useful chapter will be on ways in which friends can help the grief-stricken person, including, how to write a really welcome letter of condolence. I am donating half the proceeds of book sales to the general fund of the Hospice. For information call 361-729-0507.
November 22, Saturday: The Katy, Texas, Bookworm Shop will host a book signing there from 2-4 pm. As I have family in Katy, I know that at least a few people will be there. And I know that the Bookworm Shop is so charming a place that many other Texans will take the trouble to come, too! I will read from the same chapter on how friends can help. Their number: 281-693-7323.
General: The Books Ink bookstore in Portland, Texas, has joined the group of Coastal Bend stores which carry the book. It was referred to me by Cody of Wildewood Books of Aransas Pass, which is closing for personal, not financial, reasons. The owners want to undertake some other activities. I look forward to getting to know Jennifer Hay of Books Ink. What a nice name. 361-643-3222.
So November will be a very busy month--not to mention the election, Thanksgiving, the Rockport Film Festival November 6-10, and visits to and from children.
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